please delete post

Whoa! So, that bit with Gattlin at the end was really, really good! Short, but powerful. And I know I've been kinda sporadically reviewing Fleirzon here, but I think I'm going to go start at the beginning and read forward from there. I'll review along the way if you'd like.

The bit with Gattlin at the end was great. I also liked what came before it, especially where Rosh's face changes as he looks at his wife, and especially the line where the wife's all proud of herself for being "educated" enough to know names--when, as V shows us, she knows nothing.

Two lines really stuck out at me here for bad reasons, though.

Verdeyan didn’t realize it, but his face would be one she came to fear.

That one's what I'd call cheating. Now the reader wants to know why she's going to fear him, what he's going to do to her, but you just told us this information. You didn't instill in us a sense of dread through V, or a sense of whatever it is she felt when looking at him. I'd rather have her impression then as a reader, and be able to compare it later to how he really is.

[quote]Fallon looked over to see Verdeyan dressed, and threw her a cap. [/quote[

This one also bugged me, because how would V know what then Fallon looked over, she saw V dressed, and this prompted her to throw the cap? I don't know what POV you chose to use, but make sure everything that's noticed is something the character could notice, and everything that's stated is something the POV character would know, etc.

Other than that... my main comment would be that you could beef this up a little around the dialogue and such, but I think I already said that on the last chapter. Hmm...

I like this story more every time I read it Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach